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June 17, 2007

The infernal blaze
A light in my eyes
Burning, burning through me
And I'm still so cold.

In looking to find myself
I am loosing myself
A vicious circle
Goes round and round.

I look into the darkness
A deep pit of pitch
And find no solace
From old comforts.

The drink, the drink
Evil, numbing, blissfully numbing
But even it has left my side
Only leaving a more painful loneliness.

So I drink more and more,
I'll even the score
And drink 'till I'm done
'till I can't feel anymore.

But the sadness remains
And the pain, the pain
I've forgotten what it's for
It won't leave but I don't need it anymore.

I come up out of my life and see the stars
And right back down I fall
Deeper, deeper into myself
Into the liquid hell to shield my heart.

Why? Why do I do this? Why does this continue?
But the darkness only laughs
And I take another sip
Knowing once again it won't be enough.

It's never enough
I want to sleep, a deep and restful sleep
But it never comes
My eyes are closed, but it's an illusion.

This life, what is it for?
I miss the rain, when the sky cries for me
I miss a life that will never be
I miss a past that was never had.

Round and round I go
This vicious circle
And drinking along each round
But I'm still drowning.

Overwhelmed by simple things
Overwhelmed by my life
So petty, so stupid, so ridiculous
But then around I go again.

Behind porcelain skin
Blond strands of gold
A sweet smile
And a melodious laugh
I hide.

You think I'm okay
But I don't feel pretty
I don't feel confident
And I don't feel loved.

Love. Is it real?
There is no love for me
Not what I am searching for
My solitude awaits my tears.

You won't get through; you can't
I can't, no one can
Inside I'm broken and hurt
No reason, just pieces.

Round three and I still am not lost
I'm still clinging to consciousness
As if it was what I was searching for
And so around I go again.

Again and again
Am I running to the future
Or away from the past?
Another circle to drink to again.

As muddled as it becomes,
My vision does not dull
It's never enough
And I'm still here.

I'm here
Hurting, drinking to see if I feel
To make sure this is real
And I'm not so sure anymore.

The things I've said
The things I've done
What's left undone
What I have yet to do.

Round and round the circle goes
Cutting into my soul
And I feel, I keep feeling
And I want to be free.

I want solace and peace,
I try to be free but
Nothing works and I'm still alone
And around I go with another sip of fire.

Even in meditation
The safest places for my existence
The pain comes and reaches me
I feel it roll across, but it cuts.

Scars cover me inside
And I see the blood flowing
The blood on my hands, is it me
Can you ever be free?

Visions of fire
Dreams of evil
Why sleep, why dream
I want nothingness.

But my soul, my soul is not broken
My heart, my being, I am broken
But my soul climbs and climbs
refusing to let go.

I scream inside to let go, to fall
Why do I want to hit bottom
Release me from this hell
Release me from caring and feeling.

Money, bills, responsibilities
I can't let go
Let me drink them away, the shaking nerves
But they don't ever go away.

Am I stuck with this madness?
This cycle I perpetuate
And for what purpose do I continue?

My soul tells me there is more
But I don't see it
I only feel and I feel so much for so long
Too long; I want to sleep.

Let me stay within my dreams
Let me show my cowardice and be happy
Let me live a life I hate
And still there is no bottom.

How far must I fall?
I reach inside and find nothing
Not even tears to keep me company
A painful ache, a void.

My dreams, my hopes
So many doors of opportunity
Did I pick the wrong one?
Did this door lead me to this path?
Or was it set before I was born?

I flee away and yet I stay
I force myself through the shaking checks
Sending the bills with tense muscles
Drinking another sip that leads me nowhere.

Awake I try to avoid consciousness
Asleep I try to avoid dreaming
I'm not successful at either.

This life
Is it a nightmare or a dream?
I can't tell anymore.

I just keep hurting,
what should be never was
What I want will never be
Another cycle another drink,
Round and Round I go
Forever lost in the sea of nervousness
Barely clinging, clinging so well
To what others call Normality.

But I'm lost, I'm overwhelmed
I'm drowning in the tide
And I want to drown, take me now, down down
Deep inside myself so I may be free

But I just continue to drown
And the tide continues to pull
Round and round, another drink
But I never sink, I'm always afloat.

Good but never best
Improving but never good enough
A friend but always alone
A child that never was.

And I complain and complain
Take another sip to forget
I hate myself for bitching
This is typical shit everyone deals with.

A baby, immature, how unsophisticated of me
To go on and on, but that's what I do
Go round and round, Give me a drink
And I'll wash 'er down.

Drowning myself with my lies,
Wishing I was free as I throw away the key
And I'm drowning again
Gulping the air that I can
Not knowing why
I won't just give up
And die.

It's a lie, this life is a lie
Love slides by without a glance
I took door number two and missed my chance
My life is a lie, take a sip.

A cup of poison that doesn't help
Yet I continue to drink
Like an addict getting high
Only I reach no goal I just continue.

There is no high, there is no low
I just keep sinking and drowning
Round and round, drink by drink,
Is it raining yet?

Give me the rain
I don't want to care
I don't want to hate my own inhibitions
I don't want to hate my own complaints

Give me something to hang onto
Calm my spirit before it's too late
Show me the bottom so I can climb up
Or end it now so the drowning can stop.

Poor me poor baby, so sarcastic yet true
Pathetic and uncooperative
My life could be so much worse
and I know that's true.

But even so I go round and drink,
Trying to find that bottom
Hoping to not feel
but feeling is all I can seem to do.

Let me feel the rain,
Let me hear it tap on the window
Let me pretend my mind is real
and I can release the pain.

Let me pretend that this matters
Let me pretend that I am loved
Let me pretend that I'm all there is
Let me be as selfish as I can.

Let me forget to be angry at my selfish remarks
Let me forget to hurt myself again
Let me forget I'm horribly distant
Let me forget I'm not special.

Rain, cry the tears I cannot shed
Wash away this selfish bitch
Bring me back to someone I am proud of
Quiet my nervous habits and pathetic self-pity.

And so I drink one last time
To this dance I keep dancing
Round and round I go
Drowning in the vicious circle.
Written June 17, 2007. This was right before I walked myself into a doctor's office for help.
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